Parenting Articles

Parents: How to Be a Life Skills Coach for Your Child

The goal of discipline is to teach children a better way to behave.
I couldn’t wait to see my friend Janet. She had made the big move from California to Houston just one year earlier and I hadn’t seen her since. After she regaled me with stories about her job, the humidity, and the friendliness of Texans, she told me about two of her daughter’s friends and their three-year old child. She explained how they would yell at him and call him names. She could not believe it when, during a small get-together, the dad threw a shoe at the little tyke to get him to stop whining.
“It’s the only way we can get him to behave,” the dad explained calmly, as he resumed chatting. After making sure the youngster wasn’t hurt, Janet left. "I know the parents think they are doing the right thing, Janet said, "but the child is becoming harder to control." Because I’ve worked as an elementary school consultant for years, Janet asked for my advice.

The Parenting Trap
These two young parents had fallen into a common parenting trap; thinking that their job is to get their child to obey them. Actually, a key parenting job is to teach life skills so your child will learn how to get along in the world. The end result will often be that your child does follow your guidance. However, she will be doing so because she is learning valuable life skills that work, not because she is afraid of you or being punished.

A Parent Isn’t a Policeman
As parents, we often fall into the trap of policing our child to ensure he follows the rules, and doling out punishment when rules are broken. It’s especially easy when your kids are driving you crazy and all you want is some peace and quiet. (Yes, we’ve all been there!) But resorting to force only makes the problem worse for two reasons:
1. Your child will not learn to think for himself. That’s why many children go wild when they get away from home. They are not making wise decisions for themselves because they never learned how.
2. Using force damages your relationship with your child. If your son is afraid of you, he will try to avoid you when he has done something wrong. This means he may go somewhere else to work out problems, and that somewhere else may not be in his best interest.
When you understand that a parent’s job is to be a life skills coach, everything takes on a whole new dimension. As a life skills coach, your goal is to help and strengthen your child when things go wrong. When she understands you’re there to help and strengthen her, not punish her, she is more likely to come to you when she has problems.

How to Coach Your Child
Put Yourself in Your Child’s Shoes
It helps if you can see the world through your child’s eyes. If a giant person suddenly threw a large object at you, how would you feel? Would you be afraid of that person? Yes. Would you obey? Most likely. But would it teach you what to do in similar circumstances? Doubtful, right?

Use the Power of Explanation and Problem Solving Skills
Explanations give children the power of reasoning. When a child is part of the problem solving process, she is much more likely to try the solution.
Even very young children can respond to reasoning. I’ll never forget the day my three-year-old granddaughter was wailing at the top of her lungs. She wanted her Mommy and she wanted her now! I went into the other room and told Mommy about the situation. Mommy calmly said, “Tell her I’m busy right now. She can either come in here to see me now or she can wait until I’m through and I’ll come in there. My jaw literally dropped open when I gave my granddaughter the message and she stopped mid-wail and said okay! Explanation and reasoning works.

Be kind but firm.
Do explanations always work? Let’s say you tell your child, “You need to turn off the television and do your homework.” Does your daughter turn to you and say, “Yes, mother. I can see how wise you are and I will immediately get to work on my studies.”?
Okay, stop laughing! Explanation, reasoning, even begging (not recommended) doesn’t always motivate a child to do what’s best for him. Because you truly are older and wiser, you will often need to give instructions that your child doesn’t like. This doesn’t mean yelling or threatening. It means to give instructions firmly, but kindly. Then you are creating a role model for your child that she can follow:
“Sweetheart, you need to turn off the television and do your homework.”
“But Mom, I’m in the middle of a show.”
“I know it’s frustrating not to see the end of the show. But you need to get to your homework.”
“But this is my very most favorite show.”
“I know it is. But your homework is more important than a television show and you need to turn it off.”
“Okay! But if I get my homework done early tomorrow night, can I watch my show?” She stomps over and turns off the television.
“Sure.”

We quickly learn that being a parent is hard work, practically before that little one even shows his face to the world! Your entire life changes and it can be a real challenge. The good news is that it doesn’t all have to be all trial and error. Researchers have been working diligently to discover what really works to help children grow into healthy, successful adults with rewarding and fulfilling lives.