ParentingArea Blog - Parenting

We’re not talking like wearing different color socks, or a striped tie with a plaid coat. We’re talking fundamentally different–conflicting personalities and temperaments. In other words, a wild child can be born to a quiet, sedate parent. Or a shy recluse can be born to an overbearing, type-A. Talk about a difficult parenting problem! However you juxtapose the personalities, it can be a rather distressing situation, all 18 years of it! One of the keys to overcoming this difficult parenting problem is to remember that you are the adult. As old and mature as children sometimes like to pretend they are, they still don’t know how to be an adult. Simply because they aren’t one.

They cannot come up to your adult level whether they want to or not. So what can you do to reach them? You must understand the three roles that you’ve experienced, and will experience, in your life: Parent: As the parent, your role in all this–during good times and bad difficult parenting problems–is to weather the difficult parenting issues by reaching down to your child’s level. You are the disciplinarian, friend, protector, rule-setter and confidant.

Child: As anyone with kids can tell you–or even if you’ve ever just watched a kid throw a tantrum on his mom in the toy store–children demand instant gratification yet are entirely dependent on the parent to get it. This role is best described by a “me, me, me!” attitude. But the child is the follower of rules that the parent sets out. The Parent-Child relationship can be unhealthy because as a parent, you might tend to take on a superior role with your inferior child. When your child acts like that egotistical, “me, me, me” child, you can get annoyed and go into Parent mode, enforcing your rules. And you should!

Adult: Yet as a parent, you always have to be the adult, meaning you bear the responsibility of creating equality between Parent and Child. Sure, I know what you’re thinking. “They are my child. I have to be the parent and tell them what to do, enforce the rules, and make sure they are safe.”Of course you do! But to have a long-lasting relationship with your child no matter how old they are, you must maintain a calm about you. For instance, you can be an adult by getting on you child’s level, demonstrating your equality and maturity to your child, not your superiority. You can be an adult while disciplining your child by not losing your temper. Or you can be an adult while giving hugs and kisses.

Being affectionate shows your willingness to give, even when you feel you have nothing left to give. Adults are mature, active participants in their child’s life. And, yes, adults can be parents, but parents don’t always act like adults. Now do you get it? To create a relationship with your child, no matter what your temperament, you must be a mature, loving adult as well as a parent.

Jennifer Ryan, M.Ed., LPCLicensed Psychotherapist http://www.iChooseChange.com

Discover simple success strategies, easy to implement tools, fresh ideas, and free articles for maintaining balance personally and professionally at http://www.ichoosechangecommunity.com
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